Paper or Plastic?

I loathe going to the grocery store.

Let me rephrase that: I LO-HOATHE going to the grocery store.

People generally irritate me on a daily basis for no particular or specific reason other than I irritate easily, however, people at the grocery store bring my irritation to an entirely new level.

My irritation begins in the parking lot. It's starts with Ms. "I Drive A Really Big SUV That My Husband Bought Me, But Failed To Teach Me How To Drive." You know this lady - attempting to 23 point turn her Escalade into a parking space that could fit a semi truck. Reverse. Forward. Reverse. Forward. Roll down the window. Look for yellow line. Find yellow line. Reverse. Forward. Reverse. Forward. Roll down the window. Look for yellow line. Notice tires are over yellow line. Decide parking job is OK. Attempt to squeeze out of Escalade all the while trying not to smash door into adjacent car's side view mirror.

I hate his lady.

I hate this lady even more when she is waiting for another shopper to vacate their spot. She sits there, with her blinker on, blocking the ENTIRE lane waiting for a shopper (usually an elderly shopper which takes FOR DAYS) when - OH look at that! There are empty spaces about 3 -One, Two, THREE - spaces down but you HAVE to have the one that is that much closer to the store.

Moron. Fine. I'll wait here because you've made it absolutely impossible for me to go around you. Fine. FINE!

OK. Deep breaths. I move on from the moron Escalade driver and manage to park my SUV (which I do indeed know how to drive) equidistant from the yellow lines on either side. Smack dab in the middle of my space. Perfection. That is when I notice the lady two cars down from me emptying her groceries from the cart and placing them into her trunk. She then takes her cart and places it in between the two cars next to her.

What? The? F?

Major irritation number #2. How hard is it to take the extra 20 steps to the carriage corral thingy and roll your cart into it? Just rolllllllllllll the cart in. Then walk 20 steps back to your car and head home to consume your 5 cases of Coca-Cola accompanied by your 10 boxes of doughnuts topped off with your assortment of Hostess Cakes. I'm no physician, but dabbling in some walking might help with your diabetes, hypertension and cholesterol.

You fat, lazy, irresponsible, cart leaver lady.

I hate that lady. Doesn't she realize that the cart could potentially scratch someone's vehicle? Oh that's right, she doesn't, because she already has a mouthful of a Milky Way bar and needs to rush home so that she can wash it down with some chocolate syrup.

Ugh.

Major Irritation #3 - Mothers.

*Sigh* sorry guys.

Allow me to be more specific: mothers at the grocery store don't bother me all the time. They only bother me when it's JAMMED PACKED and they decide that this is a wonderful time to make grocery shopping a learning experience for little Johnny.

For example - for the LOVE OF PETE and my sanity please do not allow your child to push and/or navigate the cart if the grocery store is crowded and people are trying to rush in and rush out.

"OK Johnny let's go over to the yogurts. Okayyyyyyy? Over to the yogurts. To the right. You know your right. Riiiiiight. OK honey. To the right. Greattttt job." Johnny's mom looks up and gives a smile and a cutesy shoulder shrug to the bloodthirsty patrons behind her as if to say - "Isn't my little Johnny adorable? He's just learning his directions."

Nope, not adorable. Not at all. I have 20 minutes to grab my groceries and get home because I have to fly to my second job. In fact I'm having visions of slamming little Johnny's face into the Yoplaits because I just want to roll on by and I can't because little Johnny is trying to figure out which way is left and which way is right, but come on, isn't that what they have daycares for? Or Kindergarten? Or HOME? ON YOUR TIME? I know this may seem like a perfectly wonderful time to teach your child the feeling of independence and responsibility but beware, I will clip your child's ankles with my cart if they are in my way.

What?

Irritation #4 - Men

I've realized that most men at the grocery store have yet to realize that navigating the aisles is like driving - simply stay to the right. If you see a section that you need to peruse simply park your cart as far to the right as possible and THEN search for your item and THEN move on. Leaving your cart in the middle of the aisle is unacceptable. Shooting me a dirty look when I say "Excuse Me," is unacceptable. Stay. To. The. Right.

My final irritation brings us back to the parking lot. I'm excited - I have my groceries, I've lived through the food stamp shoppers, I'm out of the store, and I'm heading home. That is when I notice it.

The car that has parked over the yellow line and is practically in my space despite the 5 empty spots next to it. This means I have to shimmy myself between the cars, open my door and rest it on the side view mirror of the other car, and wiggle my way into the car. Between the shimmying and the wiggling I've managed to sideswipe one of the cars with my coat which means I know have a big dust mark on my coat because I live in the Northeast and cars are dirty this time of year.

Luckily for me I have an awesome fiance (thanks Brian) that usually does our food shopping. For whatever reason, Brian isn't phased by the chaos that is the supermarket.

Or maybe he is just trying to get out of the house and away from his irritable soon to be wife and the chaos at the supermarket is a walk in the park compared to dealing with me.

Hmmmmm.......