Saturday, June 11, 2011


I am having some issues with the whole getting married and changing my last name thing.

It's not that I don't like Brian's last name. It's a perfectly fine last name. Easy to spell. Easy to pronounce. Not too long. Not too short. Most importantly, it doesn't rhyme with our sound like a word that is sexually suggestive or related to undesirable body functions.

Like I said it is a perfectly fine last name.

My issue is that it's his last name. Not mine.

I understand that marriage means we are coming together as one and we are forming a bond and creating a family and we're husband and wife and yadda, yadda, yadda. The name issue doesn't mean that I don't feel like we are less bonded or less of a couple or less in love. Collectively, I don't mind being referred to as the, "Smiths (not Brian's real last name)." I am completely on board with our team name. Our married name.

Brian and Anastasia Smith.
That's fine.

Mrs. Smith.
That's fine as well.

But that fact that Anastasia will be followed by something other than the name I've known my whole life when referring strictly to me - feels, oh I don't know, odd. It almost feels like putting on an outfit that fits just fine, and looks good, but isn't my style and isn't me.

Ok, that's a bad analogy, but I think you get my point.

I don't mind being part of team Smith. But knocking out my last name to replace or hyphenate with another, husband or not, seems somewhat uncomfortable to me.

When I have this conversation with people, they often ask how I would handle the last name of our children if we decide to have them. IF Brian and I decide that we MIGHT think of MAYBE having some little non-fur babies, they would have Brian's last name and again, collectively, we would be the Smiths. This is usually when I get the question which is usually asked in an attitude-y manner:

"So, you're like, going to have a different last name than your children? You're like, ok with that?"

Actually, I'm very ok with that. My parents divorced when I was very young and my mother returned back to her maiden name. It never bothered me that she had a different last name and to be honest I hardly even noticed. Same last name or different last name - I referred to her as Mom. It was never an issue. When people would refer to her as Mrs. "divorced last name," she would smile and reply, "Please, call me Joanne."

I've had other women ask me, "what's the big deal in changing your name?" I suppose they are right. It isn't a big deal. On the flip side, what is the big deal in leaving my name the way it is? Especially considering that I am fine with the our team name, and won't correct people when they refer to me as Mrs. Smith.

It just feels strange to me that one day my last name is my last name and then because I'm now married my last name becomes Brian's last name. Although I agree that Brian and I should have a team name, (the Smiths) I still feel very connected to my individual name. It doesn't make us any less a pair, or any less a strong unit. It's just me being me.

And I'm a pain in the a*s.


  1. I kept my last name, for a number of reasons. I do wish that we had a team name, but not so much that I'm willing to take his. We decided (mutually) that our future hypothetical children will have my last name as the primary surname, and his last name will be a second middle name.

    I think changing your name is a much bigger deal than not. Just think of all the time you're saving waiting in line at the DMV and dealing with social security offices!

  2. It was SUCH a big deal for me to change my last name when I got married, we had many a fight/discussion about it. I really like/liked my last name and lots of people called me by my last name instead of my first name, so it felt really strange to not have that name be a part of me anymore. As a compromise I made it a second middle name so my maiden name is all still together, even on my passport and then I just tacked his last name on the end. It's a long name, but if definitely works for me.

  3. For me, changing the last name is all part of getting married, becoming a family. I understand humans are not fond of change, but you would expect that marriage in itself is a huge giant step away from what you're used to. It makes me feel closer to my husband. I give the same argument when people ask me why I want to be married if I'm already living with my bf. I want to celebrate the joining of our two families. I want us to be one. There's never been a doubt in my mind that I would, not matter what the last name sounds like or how much trouble it is. :)

  4. I felt exactly the same and chose to keep my last name. I struggled with parting with it. It's part of who I am, my identity. Socially, I am referred to by Paul's last name and I'm fine with that. Still, I have a strong family history and we can trace our family name back to our old town in czechoslovaki. I couldn't part with it. It felt like parting with a piece of myself. My husband never really seemed to care. We are a team w/ or w/out the name change. :)

  5. I was happy to part with my last name, but that was because it was 12 letters long and nobody could pronounce it. Haha!

  6. I think if it's something that you and your future hubby agree on, then it's completely fine. I'm having the same worries - as much as I disliked my last name growing up I really love it now. With my Italian culture I never had a middle name (something else that caused me to get made fun of) so when I marry my current last name will be my middle name.