Regrets

Ten days ago, I lost my very dear friend Paul.

Paul was a loving husband and a dedicated Dad. Paul's life revolved around his family.

Paul was a great friend.

It began around the first of the year. It had been a few months since we last spoke. His voicemail mentioned something about medical setbacks and a three week medical stay. When we finally spoke, he informed me that he was fighting to get better after a lung biopsy left his lungs unable to function properly. He was only able to go home for a short period of time but was then forced back into the hospital.

Paul was placed on a transplant list early spring. The doctors diagnosed him with pulmonary fibrosis. The cause of his illness remained unknown. I visited Paul a few times in the hospital. I wish I had visited more. I was convinced he would get better. I was convinced he was coming home. I was convinced he would be fine. I never once thought that maybe Paul was just too sick to get better. I figured he would be out of the hospital in no time and we would spend time together then.

I was very much in denial.

Paul was only 38 years old.

I am angry that God has taken such a wonderful man away from his family. I am sad that his children might never know how much their dad loved them. I ache for his wife that has to live without her beloved and raise their two children without him. I can't even imagine her pain.

I am wishing that I had spent more time with him over the last few months.

You fought long and you fought hard. Your body just couldn't fight anymore. May you finally be at rest and at peace.

You will never be forgotten.

I miss you buddy.

Foul Mood

I've been completely missing in action lately mainly because I've been a big ball of stressed out highly confrontational energy. Although I'm fighting very hard to stay positive and fight off the negative energy, I'm having a hard time staying chipper. Increased responsibilities at work, wedding planning, and MOUNTING bills have me teetering on the edge of a crying fit/tempter tantrum at any given moment during the day. In addition I'm a total stress eater - so when the going gets tough, I usually get a hot fudge sundae. The chocolate high makes me feel better, but since I'm watching what I eat I can't reach for the fudge resulting in added stress because, gosh darn it, I JUST WANT SOME CHOCOLATE GOODNESS!

I attempt to convince myself that these are "happy times," and for split seconds at a time I actually feel just that - happy and excited that the wedding is 10 weeks away. Then my mind switches to the virtual "to do" list I have streaming in my mind, and my good mood fades to "HOLY CRAP HOW DO I GET IT ALL DONE!?!?!"

I had a "mini" breakdown last night as I perused wedding magazines in search of some last minute ideas. Poor Brian had to console my sobs at 11:30 pm as I whined and sniffled for the most ridiculous reasons....

"What if it isn't perfect!! I still haven't figured out what to do with my hair. Veil, no veil? I don't know what to do! I still have to make my hair and makeup appointment and PROGRAMS! What are we going to do about programs?! I have to call the DJ and we need to plan the ceremony and the rings! We need rings......"

On and on and on I ranted while Brian contemplated whether to hug me or jump out the window and make a run for it. In my defense, I am premenstrual (TMI?) which means I have zero control over my thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

I plan on taking some time over the weekend to get organized. I'm usually pretty good with this kind of stuff but the stress of it all has made me procrastinate. At 10 weeks out - the procrastination has got to stop.

So any advice? Any words of wisdom to make THIS part of the planning process easy and enjoyable and most importantly not stressful.

Anyone, anyone?