Monday, July 19, 2010

Zombies? Really?

Good Morning Lovelies! I'm always bummed at how Monday morning always seems to roll around despite a wonderful relaxing weekend - how does that saying go? The only sure thing in life is death, taxes and Monday mornings.....

Over at Life Of A Doctor's Wife I discovered that someone other than myself has completely insane, er, I mean, irrational fears.

1) Zombies. Two types to be exact - 1) The Resident Evil and 28 Days Later types of zombies. Basically, a secret government virus "escapes" top secret laboratories to infect the general public, causing you to turn into this flesh eating, crazed, snarling maniac. And 2)Night of the Living Dead type of zombies. These zombies were actually dead people that somehow came back to life, and are in search of human brains to consume. It's not that I am afraid of becoming one of these zombies - I'm afraid that someday I'll wake up and my house will be surrounded by zombies and I will somehow have to figure out how to stay alive and not become one of them while protecting my family as well because if you're bitten you turn, and you want to kill the person before they turn so that they don't end up biting you and how IMPOSSIBLE will it be to kill a loved one as to prevent them from biting you and turning you into a zombie. Get all that? My sister and I actually have conversations that start off with, "What would be your survival strategy if the world was overrun with zombies?

2) Bridges. I HATE driving over bridges. I'm not afraid of the bridge collapsing and I'm not afraid of getting stuck on the bridge. What I am afraid of is driving off the bridge. For some strange reason, I get this insatiable urge to steer my car OFF the side and free fall into the water. I'm also afraid I'll get sideswiped by a big truck and end up pushed off the bridge. Hate big bridges. HATE THEM!

3) Before I leave the house I check the stove and every outlet, over and over and over again because I'm afraid that a) the stove was left on even if I didn't use it, and b) I left a curling/straightening iron plugged in. I'm not necessarily concerned the house is going to burn down, I'm more concerned about my animals suffering in the flames. It's all about the animals people.

4) Girly parts shriveling. Yup that's right people - did you know this happens? A friend of mine was selling vaginal cream for post-menopausal women. During his first training session he called me and asked, "Do you know what happens to your vagina when you go through menopause?"

I thought about it for a moment, and realized that I didn't know what was going to happen to my girly parts once menopause set in.

"It shrivels. Like a raisin. A RAISIN!" Apparently the change in hormones causes it to shrivel. The cream contains hormones which cause everything to open back up.

I was horrified.

At my next yearly exam with my OB/GYN I asked her about it. She confirmed that it was indeed true.

"How have you NOT warned me about this?"

"You're 28," she replied, "it's really not an issue yet." I still wish she would have warned me.

5) I think my biggest irrational fear is turning into a full time Shlumpadinka. What if someday, years from now, I look in the mirror and GASP - I've somehow morphed into a full time Shlumpadinka? Kids, a home, some pets, work, a husband - what if I end up in t-shirts, sweats, no makeup and GOD FORBID crocs as a full time wardrobe.


The very thought makes me cringe.

To combat this fear, I plan on wearing a pair of fabulous, unpractical heels to work today. Just because I can.

What are your irrational fears?


  1. I have definitely left my straightener on for several hours while I was out of the house, so I am fully behind #3. And I had no idea about the raisinette phenomenon! SCARY.

  2. My only fear is seeing/running into a ghost or something supernatural. I am terrified of them, especially in my house. Everything else? I'm cool. :)

  3. You have watched way too many Zomie movies . I have one thing to say (in my best Zombie voice) "Brains"

  4. Wait - so you have zombie survival plans but are just unwilling to share them?

    That just seems unsportsmanlike.

  5. HAHA Megan - great point!! What was I thinking!! I will get on that immediately!