Saturday, May 7, 2011

The D Word

Brian and are getting married in 138 days and there isn't an ounce of me that is nervous about getting married. I have no second thoughts. I have no reservations. I have no doubts.

Getting married is the easy part. So much love, so much fun, and so much excitement currently fills our lives.

What scares me to death is the possibility of divorce.

Hear me out.

There are couples that enter into a marriage knowing in the back of their minds that the decision they've made to join their lives probably isn't the best idea. These couples inevitably end in divorce. There are also couples that marry that have zero intentions of divorce, and zero doubts about the union they are about to embark on. Then "life" happens and they get divorced.

Couples that are happy get divorced.
Couples that hate each other get divorced.
Couples that are so in love get divorced.

Couples get divorced. Period. Sometimes we don't foresee the cookie crumbling, but it crumbles just the same.

I had a conversation the other day with a colleague regarding her divorce. They are currently working on the custody agreement.

What? An agreement? On custody? Pertaining to children?

How do people do this to one another?

I guess I'm particularly sensitive about the subject because my parents divorced when I was really young. What most people don't realize is that despite the fact that your children are young and you don't think they know what is going on - newsflash - they do know what is going on.

More importantly they are aware as to what is going on but what they are too young to understand are the adult reasons behind the divorce. Children don't understand infidelity. Children don't understand substance abuse. Children don't understand, "we just aren't IN LOVE anymore." The main component of the divorce that children understand is that life as they know it is changing. Their home life is changing. One parent is moving out. There is fighting, and name-calling, and discord and while parents are busy working on "making themselves happy," the kids are wondering, "what the f*ck is going on," because their whole world has just been blown wide open, and they don't quite understand why.

Yup. That's how it feels.

So how does it work?

How is it that vowing, "in good times and in bad" turns into "until bad is too bad, and then I'm done."

How is it that vowing "in sickness and in health," turns into, "unless the type of sickness is too much for me to handle."

How is it that vowing, "until death do us part," turns into "until I stop loving you and fall in love with someone else."

I'm not judging here, but it just seems that in this day and age fighting to maintain the marriage isn't the popular choice and divorcing is the more practical solution to whatever problem is facing the marriage.

It makes me sad.


  1. My husband and I have been married seven months today. One of the saddest parts of getting married was hearing the sarcastic, snarky and cynical comments about marriage. Comments like:

    "Your first marriage is like the test marriage. It's where you get to practice for your real marriage... the 2nd."

    "You're getting married?? Whyyyyy? Why ruin a perfectly good thing?!"

    "Don't do it. Seriously, don't do it."

    "The good thing is you can always get divorced!"

    These weren't from people who knew me (or my husband) well. These were coworkers, acquaintances, and even hoards of people at my bachelorette bar crawl. It just made me sad that so many people see marriage this way. And so many people enter into marriage only because they know they can get out if they want to. Sad.

  2. Having grown up with divorced parents as well, the idea of marriage has always been something that I take quite seriously. I'm thankful that my life was filled with love from both parents and that although they weren't/aren't together anymore they could at least be cordial to each other. That doesn't mean I wasn't confused/mad/sad/lost/or feeling guilty during the divorce process. (and I'll be forever grateful that my parents never went through nasty custody battles)
    I have this AWFUL thought any time Russ and I have a fight. Granted we don't fight often, but when we do I'm always thinking in the back of my mind "omg...does this mean we're distend for divorce once we get married?!?" It's awful, I know! I think some has to do with the fact that I have witness what happens when fights occur within a household between the husband and wife at a young age-so I didn't understand why they were fighting, I just would see and hear them fight- but some of it also comes from me being an extreme worrier.
    I do hate how easily people throw in the idea of divorce these there is no more trying to make a marriage work, just get a lawyer! augh.

  3. I can think of two major reasons why divorce is more popular these days.

    - It is more accepted by society (even the royals are doing it. eg.Princess Diana/Prince Charles)

    - Women have more options in terms of getting back on their feet and finding work to support themselves and their children. (previously husbands were the bread winners and they have no choice but to stick it out)

    Every couple has their own reasons for doing it and I just don't think we should judge until we've been through what they've been through. Two people staying married isn't always an indication the marriage is happy or successful. Sometimes two people are just better off apart. Over 50% of people get divorced. This is reality.