Please Do Not Get A Pet If.....

If you are easily grossed out by vomit, you should not get a pet.

At some point in time your animal will vomit somewhere in your home.

I promise.

It's not their fault. Vomiting could be caused by illness. Vomiting could be caused by a hairball. Vomiting could be caused by them scarfing down their breakfast so fast that they trigger their own gag reflex resulting in breakfast making a second appearance (Ebenezer does this at least once a week).

Your animal will vomit and will most likely vomit someplace really, really, REALLY undesirable.

Like on your carpet.

Or your furniture.

Sometimes even in your bed.

Sometimes they vomit first thing in the morning, so it sits for 8 hours until you get home to discover a dry, crusty, smelly vomit pile soaked into your carpet. Sometimes they vomit next to you while you are on a conference call with your boss. Sometimes the vomit splatters all over important paperwork that you have scattered on the floor. Sometimes they vomit all over your day planner. Or all over your work bag. Sometimes you're lucky and they vomit in front of the dog, and the dog takes care of the vomit for you.

So gross.

Your animals will vomit. And you will be forced to clean it up.

"I threw up on the rug. Three times. Three different spots. I feel better now."

If you are concerned about feces or urine in your home, you should not get a pet.

Feces and urine in your home is pretty similar to vomit. It will happen. Dogs and cats vary on the reasons why they improperly eliminate in the home. Let's tackle dogs first. If your dog urinates or poops in your home, it's most likely your fault.

Yeah. I said it. Your. Fault.

Chances are you work long hours and aren't home enough to have a dog. Chances are the dog really, really, really had to go and couldn't hold it. Chances are you're too cheap to hire a dog walker or take the dog to daycare. If you don't have adequate care for a dog when you're at work, you shouldn't have one.

The truth hurts. Doesn't it?

Training also plays a huge role. It's takes time and patience and even more time to properly train a dog to do it's business outside. I would say that 80% of dogs that use your floor as their own personal toilet is due to long hours without a potty break and or improper training. I would say 20% could be attributed to an illness where they are incapable of holding their bladder or bowels.

(Sidenote: Simon had explosive green diarrhea in our house this week that involved the throwing away of a large area rug and the cleaning of his poopy pawprints that were a direct result of him walking through aforementioned diarrhea and transporting the diarrhea from it's original locale to other rooms of the house......)

Cats - totally different story. Cats will improperly eliminate in the home for one of three reasons:
1) They're sick
2) They are unhappy with their litter box - size, shape, location, type of litter, frequency of cleaning, smell, etc.
3) Because they feel like it. Let's face it, cats are like woman - they can get pissed about anything at any time. Leaving their excrement where it's not supposed to be is their way of saying, "I'm not a very happy camper."

Sometimes it's an easy fix. Sometimes it takes months and months of figuring out what the cat is mad about.

Dog or cat. Poop and pee in your house will happen.

"The poop smeared on the wall? Yeah, that was me. It was stuck on my tail, where am I supposed to wipe it."

If you do not want your furniture ruined, do not get a pet.

We've discussed vomit, urine and feces. When you have animals you can count on one of these items (or maybe even all three) coming in contact with your furniture. In addition to disgusting bodily fluids you will have to deal with hair because NEWSFLASH animals have hair.

Tons of it.

Now, you can certainly get around this by getting one of those hairless cats, or hypoallergenic dogs. But for the vast majority of people that end up with animals, hair is a given. Hair will be on your furniture, on your clothes, in your food.

Animals also have nails and teeth. They will chew or scratch or pierce your furniture. Table legs will get gnawed and couches and carpets will be used as scratching posts. It's inevitable. If you can't deal with bad things happening to your furniture, I highly advise against pet ownership.

Unless of course you opt for a fish.

If you do not want other inanimate objects in your home destroyed, don't get a pet.

One of the most amazing and fun things about owning a pet (or pets) is discovering all the weird f*ck up sh*t they do or get into that you would have never imagined a pet doing. Simon has a weird fetish with my underpants. He plucks them from the hamper and leaves them scattered all over the house. Mia likes to sniff the inside of our shoes and then roll around in them. Ebenezer likes to lick my duvet cover until he's left a sopping wet spot. Stuff will get ruined. It's all part of the joys of having animals.

"Ohhhhh CHEW toy, not SHOE toy. My bad."

Now, if you're read through my list and still want a pet, congratulations, you have a soul.

Pets will indeed cause harm and destruction to your home and the items housed within it. Sometimes they will ruin something you really love. What's important to remember is that it's just stuff. Stuff can be replaced. An animal will love the heck out of you unconditionally. Animals are sad when you're sad and happy when you're happy. They will know when you've had a bad day and curl up at your feet to keep you company. They will give kisses and snuggle with you on the sofa and keep your lap warm. They will walk beside you and lay beside you and bring you more joy than you could ever imagine.







And then they'll poop on your stuff.

And pee in your shower.

And vomit on the mail.

And you'll love them anyway.